A few years ago (wow, that’s good to say), I wrote about feelings of shame surrounding alcoholism.  Recently, I quietly celebrated 4 years of sobriety, not too much fuss outwardly, but my inner persona really understands what that means.

During all of those years of drinking, whether it was for celebrating a happy occasion, to drown the sorrows of loss, forget the pain of trauma or simply ease a stressful day, whatever reason I gave myself, I always ended up with the same dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach…and in my bones.  SHAME.

For every single time i picked up a drink, another would follow, and another and another.   The horse was off and bolting, nothing could slow it down.  Then morning inevitably came, just as you can’t stop the tide, nor can you stop the sun rising.

With the opening of my eyes came that overwhelming flood of feeling.  Shame. Shame.  Shame. Shame. Shame. Echoing through my thoughts.  Oh shit, I drank too much….again.  What did I do last night?  Who did I call?  What did I say?  Where did I sleep? Did I eat dinner?   Did I feed my pets? On and on and on….

Most of the time, I would try to piece together the puzzle, answering these questions like an amateur sleuth, detective of my own life. Call log, clear, phew.  Text messages, oh…I messaged work colleagues…shit.  Dinner, uneaten..hmm maybe that’s why I blacked out…of course. And if all seemed moderately in order I’d try to carry on as usual.  But still, I could not look people in the eye, unable to remember what I might have said to them. Never got to know anyone any better because I could not remember anything they told me.  Mainly though, I could not look myself in the eye.  Shame and self loathing consumed me.  Why couldn’t I just get a grip on this, why did it happen, over and over again.  Why did I lack self control, party girl, lush, glutton….worthless.  Then there were the days where things were far from moderately in order, cuts and bruises, broken bones, broken brains, broken hearts.

This my friends is the grip alcoholism can have on you.  Intrusive thoughts, battering your own self esteem with a stick. You’re rubbish, stupid, weak, you’re a terrible person. You’ll never be any good.

The day I sought help, was borne out of shame so deep i thought I might die. Who the hell was I, why could I not recognise a single skerric of my former self anymore?  Alcohol had stolen from me , my very sense of self, my identity. It had swallowed me whole.

Talking to my GP, I cried, a broken person in front of her, feeling like there was no way out.  Looking back, that is actually one of my proudest moments.   It takes strength to ask for help, with a dark secret you think you have been hiding so well but probably haven’t.  That doctor saw my pain that day and took immediate action.   She rather hastily got me assessed and admitted into a detox hospital within a matter of weeks.  Now I am NOT a follower of AA but I am familiar with the steps. Their first step, admitting I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable…..That was the beginning of healing for me.

If your drinking habits have come to cause problems in your life, acknowledging there is a problem is the first step.  There are so many ways you may quit drinking, or try moderation. So many options for support.

During my detox program they did host 12 step meetings which we were obliged to attend.  Some of it I found useful, some I didn’t like, but what I did like, was the sense of solidarity.  When you find other people you can talk to about your experiences, people in the same boat as you, regardless of age, gender, race, socio-economics, there is a weight lifted off your very heavy shoulders.   Suddenly, the cloud of shame you have been accustomed to residing under shows signs that it could clear.

I used a variety of methods, I tried AA but didn’t stick with it.  I read a LOT of quit lit. I hung out with people who didn’t drink, actively sought communities aligned with my sober goals, both in person and online.

One of my absolute favourite online communities for this is the “I Am Sober” app, which you can use for free. Let me say I am in no way associated with this app or marketing of it, I am simply a very impressed and grateful user.  You can track your goals and progress, reset if you need to, and gain support from people, doing the same as you, all rooting for each other.   I relied heavily on the app on  my first year.  Four years on, I don’t use it as much, but I still like to check in, and give those comrades a pat on the back for sticking with it. And spare a thought for some who slipped off course, put a hand out to help them back on board.

Shame has no place in my thoughts anymore.  I feel the full array of feelings but that one I can let go of.  I’ll leave that for the people who actually do wrong in life, maliciously hurting others, stealing, committing crimes.  The only thing I was ever guilty of was not loving myself enough, but that friends, is definitely a blog for another day.

Off to work I go, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho…..

XXX

JO